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墨書 Inktalez
I love reading, yet I grew up in an era that did not place much emphasis on it. Any book I could find, regardless of its complexity or simplicity, I would eagerly take and seek out any opportunity to read. The process of reading was often a mix of understanding and confusion, but it sparked many thoughts and ideas. For instance, I became quite familiar with traditional Chinese characters, which have been in use for thousands of years, simply by guessing and reading extensively from books from the Republic of China period.
Unexpectedly, one day while reading passages from "Investiture of the Gods," I found that it ignited the budding awareness of my own desires. The following two excerpts served as a natural catalyst:
Earthwalker Sun noticed that the young lady seemed to have a change of heart and approached her, saying, "Miss, consider this: you are a delicate flower in a fragrant chamber, a rare beauty from the heavens. I am but a humble disciple from Mount Jiaolong; we are worlds apart. Today is indeed fortunate, as I get to be close to your esteemed self." He attempted to step closer and tug at her clothing. The young lady blushed deeply at this sight and pushed him away with her hand, saying, "Though it may be so, how can one force such matters? Let me first seek permission from my father tomorrow; we can wed then."
At that moment, Earthwalker Sun's feelings surged uncontrollably; he could no longer contain himself. He stepped forward and embraced her tightly, but she resisted fiercely. Earthwalker Sun said, "What a fine day it is; why must you push me away? We risk missing this auspicious moment." He reached to loosen her clothing with one hand while she struggled to push him away. They became entangled in each other's arms; being a woman, she was no match for Earthwalker Sun's strength. Soon enough, they were both sweating profusely, gasping for breath as her hands grew weak. Seizing the opportunity, Earthwalker Sun slipped his right hand inside her clothing. As she tried to resist with her hands, she did not notice that her belt had come undone; when he held her hands against her inner garment, her strength waned further.
As he embraced her gently, feeling the warmth of her body against his chest and the fragrance of her skin, she shyly turned her face away in embarrassment and began to cry, saying, "If you are so forceful, I will never yield." Earthwalker Sun was unwilling to relent; he pressed down hard on her as they struggled together for another hour. Seeing that she still refused to comply, he coaxed her gently: "Since you are so determined, I wouldn't dare force you. I'm just afraid that if you see your father tomorrow and he changes his mind, you will have no way to trust me." The young lady hurriedly replied, "My heart already belongs to the general; how could there be any change? If only the general would show me kindness and meet my father so that my honor may be preserved; if I were ever unfaithful to my feelings, I would surely meet a terrible end."
Earthwalker Sun said, "If that's the case, dear wife, please rise." He wrapped his arms around her neck and gently helped Deng Chanyu up, believing he was truly letting her go. Unbeknownst to him, as he pushed away his hand for a moment, he took advantage of the situation by slipping both hands around her waist and pulling her close again. Her waist loosened under his grip as her inner garment fell away; Deng Chanyu found herself trapped by his shoulders and unable to escape. She struggled helplessly and finally said, "General, you are heartless! We are already husband and wife; how can you deceive me?" Earthwalker Sun replied, "If not like this, dear wife, you will only continue to resist."
The young lady remained silent with her eyes closed, her face flushed with shyness as she allowed Earthwalker Sun to unfasten her garments and lead her into the silk tent. Chan Yu turned to Earthwalker Sun and said, "I am but a naive girl from a fragrant boudoir, unfamiliar with the ways of love. I beg for your protection, General." Earthwalker Sun replied, "Miss, your delicate beauty has long made me envious; how could I dare to take advantage?" It was indeed a moment of exquisite intimacy, like the first rain on the begonia blossoms; on the mandarin duck pillow, the fragrance of osmanthus wafted gently. They cherished each other in warmth and affection; there was no greater joy in the world than this moment. Later generations would write poetry about how Ziya's clever plan brought about their perfect union.
Though the author had no intention of promoting lewdness, these words could evoke more vivid imaginations than those that explicitly described physical attributes or sensations. As a youth, my physical development lagged behind that of my peers, yet I found within these lines a taste of something beyond mere text, awakening a vague yearning for the opposite sex.
At that time, societal norms regarded interactions between men and women as a significant concern. Although it was no longer as strict as years past when it was said that "men and women should not touch," adults and even teachers subtly discouraged children from mingling with the opposite sex. After four or five years of elementary school, the relationships between male and female classmates were limited to two types: one involved drawing a strict "line" on the desk; if one’s arm accidentally crossed over, the other would express their anger in an intense manner. The other type involved fighting; any minor reason could spark a conflict between male and female classmates, often more frequent than among same-sex peers. Perhaps this was their way of attracting attention from the opposite sex or releasing their subconscious affection for them.
Under such an atmosphere, although a budding awareness of sexuality had emerged, it was merely a fleeting sensation, like a dragonfly lightly touching the surface of water. With the reputation of being a "good child" in the eyes of my teachers, parents, and neighbors, I naturally dared not express anything. I only wished to bury it deep within my heart, hoping it would fade away on its own.
However, once an awareness arises—especially one related to sexuality—no one can truly suppress it.
One day after school, it was my turn to clean the classroom with a female classmate. One by one, the other students left the room as we hurriedly swept between the desks and chairs, gathering any visible trash into a pile. At the moment we both met at the same spot, I suddenly found an unexpected surge of courage. Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around her tightly, greedily inhaling the faint scent of her hair. She froze for a moment, her face turning red. Then, with surprising strength, she pushed me away and quickly exited the classroom.
After this push, it seems that I suddenly woke up from confusion, feeling embarrassed with a red face and neck. I lowered my head and silently swept all the garbage into the dustpan, then hurriedly slipped out of the classroom. In the following days, I felt restless. If that female classmate hadn't pushed me away at that time, or if she had reported the incident to the teacher, my life path might have been completely different.
After this experience, my sexual awareness seemed to have hidden away, and for a long time, it didn't bother my young mind. However, it didn't truly disappear. After a while, it started to circle more strongly in my mind, making me uneasy.
What should I do?
I know that in adults' eyes, such a consciousness is no different from "great disobedience", seeking their help is equivalent to "looking for one's own demise"; I also understand that in my classmates' eyes, I am the embodiment of a "good student", seeming to know everything and can do anything, asking them is equivalent to "asking for trouble", not to mention such things I dare not say out loud.
I don't know what kind of entanglement I went through or how many plans I designed, but finally I made my best decision: choose one female classmate according to my own standards as my imaginary opposite-sex friend, pay attention to her everything, and let her accompany me; but the identity of this person is absolutely impossible to reveal, it can only be deeply buried in my heart; at the same time, this idea is absolutely impossible to affect my learning.
This plan was not formed overnight, and I still suffered from it frequently when I was worrying about being lovesick, without realizing it, my primary school life was already approaching its end, and before I even confirmed who this girl was, I had to face the first major exam of my life!
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