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墨書 Inktalez
The elevator suddenly jolted violently, and he spread his arms wide, managing to brace himself against both sides. I hid behind him as he turned to look at me.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I replied, somewhat regretfully. The elevator had only shuddered once before returning to normal. I fantasized about it plummeting straight down; what a beautiful thing that would be! I wouldn't have to bear the psychological burden anymore. But seeing that there were others in the elevator besides us, my desire encompassed their lives as well, and that felt unfair. I scolded myself for being so cruel.
The hotpot restaurant was a dingy place, its sign dimly lit at the intersection where cars and pedestrians crossed paths. The flavor of the hotpot was also less than satisfactory, with only the oil-slicked peppers looking festive. We hurriedly finished our meal, and he let me go ahead to pay while he stood at the door, gazing at the large supermarket across the street.
"Shall we check out the supermarket? I want to buy some daily necessities," he said after I settled the bill.
"Sure," I replied.
Crossing the intersection, we pushed through a double layer of curtains made of leather and cotton at the entrance of the mall. On one side were an eyeglass store and several clothing shops, while a few claw machines lined the wall on the right.
I slowed my pace, captivated by the claw machines out of genuine envy. He turned back to me.
"Let's try to catch some toys."
"Huh?"
"Is that not okay?"
Not okay? Of course it wasn't! Spending money on entertainment felt like a grave sin; how could I deserve that? I couldn't even afford an eight-yuan plastic cup. When I was in seventh grade, my water cup got lost, and my mother took me to a wholesale store to pick out a new one.
"How much? Eight yuan?! Eight yuan for a broken cup!"
I'll never forget my mother's grim expression as we walked out of the store, like a knife hanging above my neck. A single glance from her could make me feel the sharp edge of her disappointment. She had been full of complaints and reproaches; I couldn't recall her exact words, but her long sighs and extreme resentment towards life sent chills down my spine.
My feet felt rooted to the ground, unable to move even an inch. But he had already pulled out a penguin plush toy and was waving it at me.
"Come here."
Compelled by some unseen force, I walked over, and he naturally stuffed the plush toy into my arms.
"What else do you like? A unicorn? A flat-billed duck?"
Suddenly, tears welled up in my eyes as I turned away quickly. "A unicorn! I want a unicorn." My childhood pierced my heart unexpectedly.
"Dad, Mom, you said that if I scored 100 on my exams, you'd buy me a toy car. Look! I've scored 100 in all subjects! I'm first in my grade! The Chinese teacher read my essay aloud in front of everyone!"
"Doing well is expected. Why can't you consider your dad? Working on the construction site every day for just two or three hundred yuan isn't easy."
"But you promised me..."
"Alright, alright, next time. If you do this well again, I'll take you to visit Green Manor."
"Dad, Mom, I ranked first in the city this time. Can we go to Green Manor now?"
"Your dad has to work; he doesn't have time for that."
"All you ever think about is spending money. Do I have a heartless child? Am I raising a white-eyed wolf?"
"Here, a unicorn." He handed me the unicorn plushie, his gaze lingering on my tears for a moment. "Catching these little ones isn't interesting; let's go for the big ones. Boss, exchange two hundred yuan worth of tokens!"
That night, I was surrounded by parents and children, holding onto dozens of plush toys of all sizes. I listened as he fed the tokens one by one into the machine, like a hero battling on the battlefield for me. I, who at twenty-six still felt too timid to play claw machines, finally felt like a child.
Ah, how sentimental, but it was a joyful sentimentality; I was happy!
I laughed heartily while tears streamed down my face, not forgetting to share the toys with the envious children around me. At least I wouldn't let them miss out on these.
When the two hundred yuan worth of game tokens ran out, I was left with only seven or eight plush toys in my arms. He helped carry three while I held five portions of happiness close to me. Just as we were about to leave the mall, I suddenly stopped outside an eyewear store and whimsically looked up at him, saying,
"Let's go in and take a look."
Once inside, only a gentle-looking salesperson in professional attire came over to assist us. I wandered through the sea of sunglasses and picked out a pair to try on. As I walked over to the mirror and took a deep breath, looking at myself through the dark lenses, I cheerfully mumbled,
"So I'm not that ugly after all."
"How could you be ugly?" the salesperson replied with a smile.
"Uh, no, I mean myself."
"I meant you too."
I blushed and took off the glasses. Turning my head, another pair rested on my nose. His fingertips brushed against my temple as he stepped back to observe closely.
"This one looks good; it suits you better."
"Then I'll take this pair; please wrap it up!" I declared like a valiant warrior.
That night, I bounced back to my rental room. He helped me place the plush toys on the bedside table while I pulled out my phone.
"Let's add each other on WeChat."
"Sure."
We exchanged WeChat contacts; his profile picture was a slanted W on a pure white background with the name "Wang." Does he have the surname Wang? I didn’t ask. After thanking him and waiting until he left my room and returned to his own, I distinctly heard him close his door before transferring two hundred yuan to him via WeChat. We're adults now; even childhood joy shouldn't be someone else's burden. He accepted it without any extra words, for which I was very grateful.
I gazed at the pile of plush toys on my bed and the sunglasses in the tote bag on the table. I forced myself to feel joy, to celebrate the fulfillment of a childhood dream, but that feeling was ultimately as fragile as a house of cards; with just a gentle poke, it would collapse entirely. Only those sunglasses remained in my thoughts. I imagined how cool my mother would look wearing them. I felt guilty towards her, and she towards me. We were in constant conflict yet deeply in love.
I would never forget the time my mother screamed into the phone, "That money was left to me by your father! It's mine!!!" In that moment, I realized that even between a mother and her biological daughter, financial matters could sever ties.
What had happened to the tens of thousands left by my father? She had squandered it all—investments gone wrong, scammed out of every last cent. On the other end of the line, I found myself amused by the unfolding drama.
I was not a qualified daughter; she was not a qualified mother. We were both stumbling through life, and by now, she hardly even counted as a stumbling block on my path to despair.
That night, I lay among the plush toys, my heart aching so intensely that my whole body convulsed. I curled up into a fetal position, struggling to breathe as my lungs felt constricted. I gasped for air, clutching my shirt tightly against my chest, burying my face in the belly of a penguin plushie, trying desperately to stifle my sobs.
Even when contemplating giving up on life, illness refused to release its grip on me.
How I eventually fell asleep was a blur; perhaps it was due to swallowing an excessive amount of medication. The world spun around me until he called out to wake me from outside the door.
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