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墨書 Inktalez
My heart was beating fast all the way back. When I got back to the dormitory, she was sitting on the bed of other roommates chatting and laughing with them. She didn't even look at me when I walked in, as if nothing had happened. I am not good at asking questions and asking for responsibilities. I just felt very lonely. I walked to the bed quietly, hid in the quilt, and checked the messages on my phone. "Beibei, I like you!" I quit QQ, took the washbasin to the bathroom to wash up, and lay on the bed to read "War and Peace". After that, it was a series of troubles. A boy in the class who used to be her classmate in Junior High School and also knew him. The boy walked up to me and handed me a note, "Who are you dating?" During the Evening Study break, I was sleeping on the table, and the classmate by the window shouted, "Hey, Beibei, someone is calling your name in the second-year teaching building opposite." During lunch break, he led his group of brothers to the door of the class, specially to see their "sister-in-law". When I rushed downstairs to go to the toilet, I would see him holding the test paper and heading to the administration building. Before I saw him, he excitedly called me, "Beibei!" I ran away. At noon, I went to the school cafeteria alone to eat, and I could hear his voice accurately in the crowded crowd, "Hey, Beibei!" I turned around and left. In this series of actions, I must admit that I was tempted, and I was isolated by everyone in the class because I stole my good friend's partner. I logged into QQ again with a sense of anger and hope, and began to search for the only light in the desperate situation. We were ambiguous and warmed each other. On rainy nights, he waited under the pavilion. We walked along the lonely rubber track in the rain, walking around and around, reluctant to part. My father sent snacks, and I gave them all to him... Until one day, a boy in the same class ran up to me and teased, "He is in love with a girl from the class next to him. They both moved out of school to live together." That was the first time I tasted the bitter taste of a broken heart. I was unwilling to give up and thought about him all the time. I asked people to send him food, send him letters, and pass on messages to him, but everything fell on deaf ears. In the end, "He dropped out of school and went to Beijing to work with his girlfriend." I fell into a long and long period of grief. The cold reception and rumors around me could not hurt me at all. All my thoughts went to Beijing with him. Day after day and night after night, I fantasized about their sweet life together. I was in so much pain that I had no intention of studying. I could even say that I was addicted to pain and self-pity. In just one month, I quickly became a paper man, but the college entrance examination was still coming. I failed the exam. "This is the real reason why I don't want to repeat the year. The third year of high school is too painful for me. Whenever someone asks me when I first fell in love, I always say it was in the third year of high school, because that was my first time to break up." He pinched a strawberry and put it to my mouth. I opened my mouth and chewed it. "Dandong strawberries, are they sweet?" "Sweet." "Then keep talking, I'm listening. No judgement." "It's hard for me to fall in love with someone, but I can't stand breaking up. My hatred for breaking up has reached a pathological level, as if someone dumped me, which means they denied everything about me, all my value, and I lost the basis for living in this world, so I desperately tried to find this basis. Some people say this is a real-life yandere, and some people say I'm love-brained."
"What if you were the one who dumped someone else?"
"It doesn't matter. You love me, but I don't love you because I hate myself. I don't deserve to be loved."
After that, the few fleeting relationships I had are not worth mentioning, as they left no trace in my life. In a couple of months, I couldn't even remember the names of those involved.
The second time my heart was shattered was during my freshman year. What was I doing then? As mentioned earlier, he was the most handsome waiter at that KTV. He wasn't tall, but he had a delicate appearance and a voice that sent shivers down my spine; he was the most attractive one in the place. At that time, I was indulging in the thrill of romance, enjoying the chase. Coincidentally, he frequently showed interest in me, and we ended up in bed together. Naturally, I wanted to define our relationship, but he casually told me he had a girlfriend who worked as a waitress at another KTV. She wasn't as pretty as me, didn't have a body like mine, and her education level was lower than mine, but they were planning to get married; their parents had already met each other.
I originally didn't have feelings for him; it was just a fling. But when he said that, it felt like my feelings for him suddenly deepened. That sense of unwillingness surged within me...
"They're getting married; he's going to marry her and not you. He chose someone else and abandoned you. Your worth has been denied, and that's why you care about him."
"Right on target!"
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