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墨書 Inktalez
"Is it not done yet?"
I replied honestly, "No. Just think about how pathetic I am. I'm sitting on a mountaintop, surrounded by drifting clouds, and I laid bare my situation to him. He didn't care at all. That's pretty ruthless, right? But I didn't die that time; I was stopped by two male college students. Later, I went to Qingdao to jump into the sea. I chose a midnight hour, hid behind a giant rock, and waited for all the water police to leave. Step by step, I walked into the deep water. As I was walking, a guy who was out crab fishing for the weekend appeared. He chatted with me for half the day and refused to leave. In the end, he forcibly carried me on his back over the gravel to his car and took me back to my hotel. I couldn't bear the pain anymore, so I chose another early morning and took a taxi to the cross-river bridge. I climbed over the railing down to the pier's base, wrote my farewell letter, put on my headphones, and jumped into the rushing sea. I didn't die; my survival instinct saved me. I cursed myself for being cowardly and jumped back into the sea, going deeper this time. There were no giant rocks blocking me, but at around five in the morning, another guy who was fishing appeared. He took me home, had his wife change my clothes, fed me a bit, and then took me to the police station. The police station sent me to a rescue center, which notified my mom. She hurried from our hometown to Qingdao. And just like that, it’s still not over! I don’t want to talk about it anymore; I'm just a person with no bottom line!"
"You just want to find someone who can fill in the gaps of your childhood."
I sat up abruptly. "You have no idea what I went through in my childhood!"
The fierce anger was easily dissolved by his embrace and a sigh. I curled up in his arms, resting my head on his arm as his right hand gently patted my back. His steady breathing sounded like a lullaby, and I gradually sank into slumber.
Two strangers comforted each other at such close proximity, healing one another as they drifted toward an uncertain future.
No, I have no future—at least not one that includes him or anyone else.
After a long and chaotic dream, we looked at each other in silence and each picked up a book to read quietly. I leaned against his chest; after a while, he felt dryness in his eyes and let the book fall over his face as he let out a lazy sound from his throat.
The sunlight was just right; autumn was gradually approaching.
"Let's go to Stone Old Man Bathhouse tomorrow night."
"Okay, but first help me pack up some things today."
"Pack what?"
"My clothes, medications, and various odds and ends."
"Are you planning to leave Qingdao?"
I was momentarily speechless and mumbled, "I've quit my job; it's time to leave."
"What exactly is wrong with you?"
"Severe Depression and Severe Anxiety Disorder."
"It must be very painful. You've been through a lot."
"They coexist with me; I've gotten used to it."
"How can anyone get used to pain? They would only want to escape it."
This rascal always manages to bring tears to my eyes!
The entire afternoon was spent categorizing my belongings: seasonal clothes, unopened skincare products and cosmetics, a drawer full of disposable utensils, broken data cables and nail clippers, crab-themed trinkets given by merchants, boxes of medication… Until while I was busy throwing away empty pill bottles, he squatted in front of the cabinet and read aloud,
"Female masturbation products."
My face flushed suddenly, and I quickly turned around, pointing at the black package in his hand. "Don't touch that!"
He shook the box nonchalantly. "It's perfectly normal. Every normal person has physical desires. If you resolve it in an effective, reasonable, hygienic way, what’s there to criticize? Do you still think I hold prejudices against women? That would be a bit disappointing. Where should I put it? In the suitcase?"
I felt a weight lift off my chest and relaxed. "In the trash bag; I don't need it anymore."
"Does this thing really work?"
"I don't know about others, but it doesn't work for me; it just tears me apart and makes me bleed."
"How long has it been since you last had sex?"
"Over a year. How about you?"
"Two or three years."
We discussed these intimate matters as casually as if we were talking about a glass of water, feeling no shame at all. It was almost the ideal state I envisioned: sincere, straightforward, open, and without anything hidden from view.
After packing everything up, we first tossed clothes into the old clothing recycling bin and put disposable utensils into a drawer in the living room, labeling it just in case any resident needed them urgently. I took skincare and makeup products to the twenty-second floor to give to the landlady. She was delighted and even insisted I come inside to rest, but I politely declined, citing my need to leave.
The scattered items throughout the room were gradually cleared out over the afternoon, leaving only a row of books and notebooks on the windowsill—things I couldn't bear to part with. I wanted to look through them again and again; each word and punctuation mark inside felt more precious than gold.
Sweating profusely, I sat on the edge of the bed with the air conditioning on. His hand slipped under my ribs to rest on my abdomen, his chest pressed against my back, his chin resting in the nook of my shoulder, his breath so close to my lips.
But I didn’t turn around.
"It's getting late; you should go rest in your room. Tomorrow it's my turn to treat you to dinner."
That night, I lay naked under the covers without pajamas. I was used to sleeping bare; I enjoyed it. Besides being healthy, I could faintly feel that surge of anger and hatred bubbling within me.
I placed my right hand on my private parts, crossing my legs and applying pressure. The feeling of comfort began to build slowly as sweat broke out on my body, blood rushing to my head and face. Just before reaching climax, I threw off the covers and exposed myself fully under the dim lights.
Then I went to wash up in the bathroom. After showering, I glanced at my phone—it was already past midnight. It was now the fifth day of the National Day holiday.
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