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墨書 Inktalez
Before she turned seven, she rarely interacted with others. Her mother was very strict and set many rules for her: she was not allowed to play with the palace maids, speak to outsiders, see anyone outside of Changning Palace, go anywhere other than the sleeping quarters and study unless summoned by the king, and could not leave Changning Palace at will... In short, there were many prohibitions.
She adhered to her mother's rules diligently, although sometimes she questioned their validity. Occasionally, she would sneak out a few times, but overall, she was quite obedient.
One day, after returning from the study and passing by Jingfeng Palace, she encountered someone who completely changed her perception of men and women.
Originally, she would not have passed this way; it was just that after being scolded by her teacher, she felt uncomfortable and took a long detour in the palace to return to her sleeping quarters through Jade Blossom Hall and Jingfeng.
Jingfeng Palace, if one were to put it nicely, was a palace; in reality, it was merely a cold palace. Few people came here easily; even if someone passed by, they would feel it brought bad luck. Everyone who walked by appeared hurried. That day, feeling downcast, she deliberately strolled slowly and unexpectedly saw a boy slightly younger than herself squatting in a corner crying softly.
In the palace, she had only seen two types of people: women and those who were neither male nor female. As for men, aside from her father whom she saw only a few times a year, she had never encountered another male creature. This boy, regardless of his clothing or demeanor, did not resemble a eunuch at all.
Curious, she squatted down like him and asked, "What are you doing?"
Perhaps her smile was too bright at that moment or maybe she had a good rapport with people; when the boy saw her, he suddenly froze and then began to cry even louder than before.
She had never comforted a child before and had never seen anyone younger than herself. For a moment, she was at a loss and thought it was her presence that scared him into tears.
After standing by for a while, she tried to console him. "Don't cry. You can tell me anything. I am Crown Prince Yan."
This tactic actually worked; the boy immediately stopped crying and then threw himself into her arms as if he were a weaned child looking for his mother.
She was speechless and didn’t know what to do with her hands. Should she push him away? His tears were staining her newly tailored Gold Silk Satin dress. This was one of her most precious garments. But seeing his tear-streaked face made her suddenly not want to push him away. At that moment, she didn’t realize anything; it wasn’t until many years later when reflecting on this incident that she interpreted it as an overflow of maternal instinct. Although at that time, she probably didn’t even know what it meant to be a woman.
After calling over the Jingfeng Palace Maid, she learned that this child was actually her own younger brother.
At that moment, the deep bond of brotherhood that had been hidden for so long surged forth like a flood.
She actually has a younger brother, her biological brother who is only two years younger than her. She is very happy, holding his face and kissing him repeatedly, wanting to be together with him and become close siblings.
She wants to bring the boy back to her palace, but He Er disagrees, repeatedly advising her that the Queen will not approve and suggesting she consult the Queen before making a decision. Moreover, the boy has a special identity and cannot be casually taken back.
She disagrees and warns He Er not to go out. At that time, Mother was ill and unable to manage her, so this five-year-old boy was left in Changning Palace. The boy's name is Qi, and according to the hierarchy of age, he is referred to as Uncle Qi, just as she is called Bodan because she is the eldest.
Uncle Qi tells her that he cried because his mother died and no one took care of him anymore.
His mother was originally a palace maid. After the king got drunk, he mistakenly favored her and then mistakenly fathered him.
The king of Yan is also a man, like most men, possessing a certain fickleness. He quickly forgot about this maid and abandoned his son. The Queen placed them in the cold palace, where he and his mother lived without anyone caring for them.
The death of his mother remains a mystery; it is said that she hanged herself in her room a few days ago. Some say it was because she could not bear being neglected by the king and did not want to suffer in the cold palace, leading her to suicide. However, she feels something is off; if a woman truly wanted to die, she would have done so long ago instead of waiting five years.
In recent years, Mother has been unwell and often calls her to her bedside with sighs of concern for her future. Mother's worries are everywhere; she began eliminating rivals in the palace, having killed two favored concubines of the king. There are even rumors that Lady Wang's death along with her son’s was related to Mother. But rumors are just rumors; they soon faded away as those who dared speak out likely met their end.
She does not understand why Mother acts this way but assumes it is for her sake, to ensure her position as crown princess remains secure so that one day she can ascend as Yan Wang and become a powerful ruler.
She has always trusted in her abilities, believing she could be a capable sovereign without Mother needing to worry. She has advised Mother several times but was harshly reprimanded each time for being naive; as long as there is any prince in Yan, her throne will be hard to secure. She cannot comprehend or prevent Mother's actions.
Watching Mother’s condition worsen and seeing her lose weight due to worry over her affairs makes her feel very sad.
In the end, Neren informs Mother about Uncle Qi’s situation, possibly because she threatened him that if he dared leak anything, she would send him back to the knife room for another castration. It may not have been solely for her sake but rather for Mother, as he likely feared that if Mother became enraged, her health would deteriorate further and lead to an early departure. Neren’s loyalty to Mother exceeds her imagination; even after Mother passed away, he committed suicide by poison to follow her. Some say it was because Mother had once helped him; others believe he had feelings for Mother, which led him to follow her in life and death. Regardless of the reason, those matters belong to the dead; the deceased do not speak, and the true reasons will forever remain a secret.
However, now for someone who has always been lonely, having a companion of similar age brings great joy. She eats and sleeps with him every day, going in and out together; life becomes quite interesting. With him by her side, her smile grows brighter, and it seems she performs better in her studies than before; the frequency of reprimands from teachers decreases as well.
In Spring, the Empress finally could not hold on any longer and passed away. Mother held her hand tightly at the end, repeatedly urging her to take good care of herself and to never let anyone know her identity.
At that time, she did not understand what her mother was worried about, and even until her last breath, she could not comprehend it. Many years later, when she finally understood, she realized the depth of her mother's concerns.
She felt a deep sense of regret for not grasping her mother's intentions.
Every mother wants to pave the best path for her child, yet every child desperately wants to rebel. If every mother could foresee the future, how much worry could be spared? Unfortunately, like all children, she wanted to break free from her parents and do things her own way.
With Mother gone, the entire harem was now under her control, and Uncle Qi's identity could also be made public. She went to plead with the King to allow Uncle Qi to live with her and requested to restore Uncle Qi's status as a young master so that he could study with her.
The King approved all these requests and praised her for her benevolence, saying that given time, she would surely become a wise ruler.
She was very happy, and her bond with Uncle Qi grew even closer.
Two or three years passed in the blink of an eye, and the two lived in peace until one day while using the restroom, she suddenly noticed that Uncle Qi was standing while she was squatting.
She was puzzled and immediately rushed into the adjacent stall to observe how he urinated.
Uncle Qi's face turned red with embarrassment as he tightly covered himself with his hands, trying to prevent her from seeing anything. Eventually, he couldn't hold it anymore; his hands were splashed with urine, and he even splattered some on his front and a few drops on her.
Uncle Qi was frightened and hurriedly tried to wipe it off for her, but she paid no attention to the mess on herself. Instead, she stared wide-eyed at what he had exposed and pointed, asking, "What kind of monster is that?"
Uncle Qi quickly tightened his pants, his red face struggling to hold back any words.
She found it very strange—after sleeping together for two or three years, she had never noticed any differences in their bodies. Their chests were equally flat without any extra flesh; so why did he suddenly have that peculiar thing?
She asked him, "Are you a man?"
He nodded seriously, patting his chest to guarantee that he was indeed a man.
If he was a man, then what was she?
Regarding this question, she thought hard and pondered for a long time but couldn't come up with an answer. She didn't feel like a woman either; at least she didn't have anything round and bulging on her chest. So... could she be like Neren, a eunuch who was neither male nor female?
She cried about this, her eyes red and swollen, unable to see the road ahead. Later, she asked another caregiver, an elderly woman, and was told that it didn't matter; it was just that the time hadn't come yet. When the time came, it would naturally grow.
She believed it; at that time, how could she know that what she had been told and what she truly was were two completely different things?
From then on, she longed to grow something like Uncle Qi had. Unfortunately, until she left the State of Yan for the State of Chu, that thing never grew. Instead, two snow-white lumps resembling buns protruded from her chest.
On the night before leaving Yan for Chu, she lay next to Qi, occasionally touching her own chest and then touching his. After repeating this several times, Qi couldn't help but ask, "What are you doing, Brother?"
She felt embarrassed and turned away to pretend to sleep, but he leaned over and held her tightly in his arms. At that moment, she never thought that someone shorter than herself could grow tall one day, which made her truly realize the difference between men and women.
Thinking of Qi, she couldn't help but sigh softly; it had been a long time since she last saw him. He must be doing well now.
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