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墨書 Inktalez
Zhong Kui's Diary
Kill You Divine Skill?
Damn, who came up with such a ridiculous name? There are actually people this bizarre; even a dropout like Fatty wouldn't choose such a vulgar title.
However, on the other hand, cough cough... the phrase "kill you" does resonate with me. In just three short words, it clearly and succinctly expresses a determination to be irreconcilable with the opponent.
Flipping open the cover, I saw eight blood-red characters on the title page—"To practice Divine Skill, wield sword Self-Castration."
Seeing these eight characters, I was stunned for several seconds. Wield sword Self-Castration? Does it mean I have to cut off my own...? Does it think it's the Sunflower Manual? Damn, what kind of nonsense is this? Coming back to my senses, I cursed loudly and prepared to tear it apart with all my strength.
You want me to Self-Castration? Don't you know I have a deep bond with my...?
Kill You Divine Skill, huh? I'll take you down first!
Unexpectedly, when I pulled, I found the pages incredibly tough; I couldn't tear them at all.
Ah hey, I'm not really superstitious. I placed the book on the table, summoned my Spell, and a palm-sized flame ignited. Surrounding the flame were seven lanterns the size of ping pong balls, spinning like a carousel. The lanterns were engulfed in flames, repeatedly crashing into that manual. With each impact, large flames and sparks flew everywhere.
This was a compressed version of Spell, a miniature Blazing Lantern. It's just a book, right? I'll burn you!
However, the Blazing Lantern had no effect; the book didn't even change color.
Just as I was about to cast a higher-level Spell, I heard keys jingling and the door opened. It was Guo'er and Qingcheng returning from shopping. Seeing me gritting my teeth and preparing to unleash power against a book, both girls were somewhat taken aback. They turned around to close the door, and Qingcheng asked me what was going on.
I smiled wryly and recounted the situation. The two exchanged glances, half surprised and half amused. Guo'er even giggled and said, “Zheng Nan, with such an imposing name for this... Divine Skill, you could totally give Self-Castration a try.”
"I'm self-castrating, so what are you two going to do?" I said, feeling displeased.
"Cucumbers are quite cheap right now," Guo'er replied, seemingly embarrassed, as she blushed and hid behind Qingcheng.
"What do you think, Qingcheng?" I asked Qingcheng out of desperation.
Qingcheng smiled as she picked up the book, gently stroking the cover. She nodded and said, "This book is made of the same material as the Yin Yang Essays. This material is very rare, just like the Book of Life and Death. It’s a treasure. The author wouldn't possibly waste such a precious item. Zheng Nan, have you finished reading the whole book?"
"I couldn't get past the first page; if I keep reading, something bad will happen," I rolled my eyes.
"Just finish reading it; no one is forcing you to self-castrate before continuing," Qingcheng chuckled, covering her mouth.
That's true. I opened the Kill You Divine Skill and continued reading.
The next few pages detailed thirty-six methods of self-castration. Not only did they provide detailed steps, but they also included illustrations showing how to perform self-castration and how to deal with the aftermath.
I was astonished. Isn't self-castration just a quick cut that separates man from bird? Why are there so many intricacies? Truly, learning has no limits.
The first method: Door Method. Prepare a nylon string, tie one end to your private part and the other end to the doorknob. When someone suddenly pushes the door open, your private part gets yanked off...
The second method: Archery Method. Prepare a longer nylon string, tie one end to your private part and the other end to an arrow shaft. Draw back the bow and let it fly; your private part gets yanked off...
...
The more I read, the more terrified I became. I instinctively squeezed my legs together, fearing that one of my parts might suddenly disappear with a whoosh.
Finally, I finished reading all the methods of Self-Castration, sweating profusely as I turned to the next page, which also had eight blood-red characters—"If you do not Self-Castrate, you can still practice."
Seeing these eight characters made my heart skip a beat. If I could still practice without Self-Castration, then what was the point of introducing so many methods of Self-Castration earlier? Could it be that the speed of cultivation would increase after Self-Castration? Yes, that must be it.
However, when I saw the line of text below these eight characters, I was completely dumbfounded: "I advise everyone to think thrice before acting. Do not act rashly after just reading a few pages. In fact, this Divine Skill has nothing to do with Self-Castration."
The author of this book was completely out of line; it was as if they were joking about someone else's misfortune. If someone with a quick temper were to act on this, it could end badly.
Shaking my head with a bitter smile, I continued reading. This time, I read the entire book to avoid being misled by the author again.
After finishing, I casually tossed the book aside and disdainfully said, "This book is just nonsense; no wonder Mr. Huang didn't take it!"
I wasn't being random; this book, Kill You Divine Skill, had four moves: "I Punch You to Death," "I Kick You to Death," "I Bite You to Death," and "I Sit on You and Kill You." Seriously, are these names even humanly conceived? The names are crude enough, but the techniques inside are complete nonsense.
Take "I Punch You to Death" for example; the book explains that by using a Spell, one can channel five different types of energy into five fingers and then clench them into a fist. By using mental techniques to stir and merge these five energies in the center of the fist, one can unleash a powerful punch.
Five different types of energy? Please, how is that possible? Any Spell master can only have one form of energy within them; otherwise, there would be conflicts between the energies. Even I, after numerous adventures, only have Lightning Magic and Fire Elemental Magic within me, and that's only because I forcibly fused them in the Mystical Realm.
Knowing that this manual was nonsense, I tossed it into my jade pendant and ignored it. Until that night, while Qingcheng was gasping for breath, she suddenly said to me, "Zheng Nan, you currently have Thunder Element and Fire Element magic in your body. Plus Devouring Energy and Yin-Yang Energy; that's four types of energy!"
I instinctively thrust forward, causing Qingcheng to let out a scream.
Hmph! That'll teach you not to focus!
After a while, we returned to our previous lives. Aside from Ai following Zhuo Wei to the Dragon Palace for a visit, everyone else continued their lives as before. Kong Xuan was still selling magical tools in the Taoist temple, while Fatty and I resumed our roles as shamans. Ever since we lost three golden hand bones in the deep sea, Fatty hadn’t spoken much to me. Eventually, he made me write an IOU for 981 Health Treatments to turn his anger into joy.
As for the mysterious Mr. Huang, he had also disappeared, presumably searching the world for the last Yin Yang Ancient Coin. Just thinking about it gave me a sense of accomplishment; let him search, let him tire himself out.
However, since An Ran had to stay home with the child, only Fatty and I were left in the store. It felt inconvenient, so we held several meetings, smoked seven or eight packs of cigarettes, and drank several cases of beer. In the end, we decided to hire a temporary worker.
Without delay, we searched our Spatial Bags for paper and pens. Fatty pulled out white paper with bold black text, while I found red paper—naturally, recruitment should be on red paper with yellow text for a festive touch.
After some effort, we ended up with red paper and black text because we couldn’t find yellow ink.
Once finished, I stepped back two paces and tilted my head to look at it. Not bad at all; there were no typos. It read: "Hiring: Due to business development needs, we are specifically hiring one front desk staff member. Requirements: Female, young and beautiful, height above 165 cm, bust size above 6, able to speak fluent Star City Mandarin, proficient in using online translation software and QQ chat tools..."
Fatty hesitated and said, "Ghost Brother, based on bust size alone, isn’t 6 a bit too much? Should we change it to 6d?"
I scoffed at him. "What are you talking about? That’s not based on bust size; it’s based on fairness! I really want to put a mosaic over those thoughts in your head. Besides, 6 is already big enough; if it gets any bigger, they’ll sag and press down on the space bar of the keyboard. Do you understand?"
Fatty nodded with a laugh. We posted the notice and sat back down in the store. Not even a minute later, someone walked in holding that notice.
I was taken aback when I saw this person; it was Shen Sipan, the habitual thief whom I had burned on the palm in Yun Zhihan's room.
Before I could say anything, Fatty angrily pointed at Shen Sipan and shouted, "Hey! What do you mean by this? Why did you tear down our notice?"
When Shen Sipan saw me, he was momentarily taken aback. Hearing Fatty's question, he quickly replied, "I'm here for the job interview."
"Job interview? Can you even read? Which of the conditions listed here do you meet?" Fatty was furious, pointing at Shen Sipan. "You better get out of here, or I'll make you regret it!"
Shen Sipan glanced at me again and argued loudly, "Aren't you just pretending to be mysterious? I'm a professional in this field."
Fatty was even more enraged, rolling up his sleeves and ready to fight. "Who are you calling mysterious?"
I quickly stopped Fatty and looked at Shen Sipan. "Why don't you stick to your original line of work? What are you doing causing trouble here?"
Fatty was somewhat surprised by my words. "Ghost Brother, do you know him?"
"He's the habitual thief who stole from Yun Zhihan's room!" I said with a smile.
"No wonder he looks so sneaky," Fatty snorted.
"I'm really here for a job interview," Shen Sipan said with a bitter smile. "Right now, there’s a nationwide crackdown going on, and there’s no future in stealing. I have my career plans; I've been considering changing fields for a long time. When I saw your job posting, I thought my expertise might align with your company, so I came to apply."
Career plans? Changing fields? I found it somewhat amusing; he really had the guts.
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