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墨書 Inktalez
On the fifth day, he didn't show up all morning, and by the time he did, it was nearly lunchtime.
I didn't ask where he had been, and he offered no explanation. We both understood that to truly know someone like me, one must take a pause, a step back; otherwise, the mundane notions of the world would make it unbearable. Understanding was already difficult enough, let alone acceptance. In my twenty-six years of life, not a single breath had been taken in acceptance of myself. Now, I was laying bare my skin and bones, inside and out, for him to see, which felt rather cruel.
"I promised to treat you yesterday; pick whatever flavor you want," I said.
We stood in front of the shelves at the small supermarket downstairs, pointing at instant noodles. He placed his hands on his hips, took a deep breath, glanced at me, then at the colorful packaging, but after a long pause, he still couldn't muster a word.
"I'll allow you to choose the cup noodles," I added.
After some difficult deliberation and hesitation, we finally settled on two cups of spicy noodles. Just as we were about to leave, he called out heroically, "Wait!" I turned around to see him pointing at a small red plastic basket at the bottom of the shelf. "Can we get a hot dog?"
I instinctively furrowed my brows, trying to control my fluctuating emotions. "I'm splurging today; just grab it!"
After paying, we headed upstairs to boil water in the communal kettle. We poured the boiling water into the noodle cups filled with seasoning and broke open our forks to stab into the paper lids. He casually handed me a hot dog, but I instinctively pushed his hand away and said with urgency and disgust, "I never eat hot dogs."
"Why not?" he asked as he took a bite.
"Childhood trauma."
"What trauma?"
"The uncle who lived across from my grandparents lured me into his house with a hot dog and raped me when I was five."
I finished that sentence in one breath and then shot him a sidelong glance as if I had just won a victory over his stunned expression.
"I'm... I'm sorry," he stammered as the hot dog caught in his throat.
"It's nothing," I replied with a teasing smile and a chuckle.
"Stop laughing! I'd rather you cry; then I could hand you some tissues. What do you want me to do now?" he complained, mumbling like a wronged child.
I leaned closer and provocatively whispered in his ear, "Shall I tell you something even more brutal?"
He stared at me in disbelief.
"When his little brother was still inside me, his second brother burst in through the curtain. At that moment, I had no idea what was happening. I was in pain below and still chewing on a hot dog. When he turned around and saw his second brother, he hurriedly pulled out and pushed me out of the room. I walked down the alley, blood running down my legs. I looked down and, unfazed, finished eating that hot dog before picking up a clump of dirt to cover the bloodstains on my legs."
"Stop talking!" He jumped up, throwing the hot dog he was holding into the trash can, then gagged. "How can you speak so nonchalantly about such things?"
"Because it gnaws at my heart every single moment."
I bit my thumb, gazing at the top of the wardrobe where a five-year-old ghost sat, crying out her experiences day and night.
"It seems like my whole life has been destined to be intertwined with sex since birth," I said.
The Shilaoren Seaside Bathing Beach was lively and vibrant at night, elegant and full of life.
Crossing the asphalt road and stepping over a stone railing, fine sand spread out before me. Innocent children ran on the sand, parents chased after them, leisurely tourists strolled by, and there was a coffee bookstore glowing with an orange-yellow hue—though the coffee wasn't great, it attracted many customers due to its location.
He raised his camera to capture it from the perfect angle, but once again, I was struck by an inexplicable sense of loneliness. This was why I disliked crowds; the more people there were, the lonelier I felt, as if my free spirit were trapped in this body, observing this world through its eyes.
But I knew my body was empty; if I tossed a stone inside, it would echo with a "clang."
"I envy them so much—they can scream, swim, chat about everything, and run freely."
"You can too."
"But I lack the ability to find joy in it," I replied gloomily. "You keep busy; I'm going to wander over there."
I turned and turned until I reached the seaside. The ocean had a kind of magic; when the waves surged in, they drowned out all surrounding sounds—splashing and crashing, white foam blending into the endless night horizon. Under a spell, I stepped into the wet mud and sand, moving forward only to pull my foot back again. My shoes sank into the soft gravel as I walked barefoot. "Come on, embrace me! Here everything is wonderfully beautiful; here is vast and free; here there is no harm from the world; everything here is pure..." I heard the sea speaking to me, and I responded with my actions. I even began to run as the sea breeze whistled in my ears. I spread my arms wide to embrace the wind, the waves—everything clean and free.
"…You’ll get hurt! Little girl, come back…"
"Auntie, you can't go any further!"
"Come back quickly! Hey, come back!!!"
The world was so noisy.
Humans were so annoying.
He had to pull me out of that pure and beautiful illusion and drag me back to shore where many people surrounded us. With his hair wet, he told them, "Please step back a bit; give her some space."
"Little girl, what's troubling you? You're still young."
"Have some sense of public decency! Everyone's here having fun; you need to stay far away!"
"You shouldn't speak like that; there might be some unresolved issues."
"These young people these days..."
I closed my eyes, and the voices faded away as I returned once more to the embrace of the sea.
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