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Xiao Pan returned to his small room, closed the door, and collapsed onto the bed. The room was tiny, just a few square meters, containing a single bed, a worn-out wardrobe, and a small table.
On the wall hung a photo of him and Li Xiaoling, taken last spring in the park, where they both smiled sweetly. Looking at the picture now, Xiao Pan felt like a joke.
"What am I even worth?" he muttered to the photo. "A whole year—an entire year!"
He recalled arriving in Shijiazhuang with only 200 yuan to his name, without even decent clothes. It was Li Xiaoling who had given him a job, warmth, and confidence as a man. But now? One sentence had stripped him back to nothing.
The more he thought about it, the angrier he became. He grabbed the photo and tore it to shreds, the pieces scattering across the floor.
"No way can I end like this," he gritted his teeth and stood up. "If she wants to break up with me, it won't be that easy!"
He paced back and forth in the room, his mind a chaotic mess. Suddenly, an idea struck him. He opened the drawer and pulled out the 800 yuan he had saved over six months. This was all he had.
Xiao Pan put on his jacket and left the small eatery, heading to the pharmacy on the street.
"Excuse me, do you have any sleeping pills?" he asked the old man behind the counter.
"What do you need sleeping pills for?" The old man glanced at him. "You're still young; can't sleep?"
"Insomnia—severe insomnia," Xiao Pan lied.
The old man handed him a bottle of Anxi Tablets. "This one's milder; take one at a time—don’t take too many."
Xiao Pan took the bottle with a cold smile inside: one? A whole bottle wouldn’t be enough!
Back in his room, Xiao Pan sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the bottle in his hand. He thought of his parents back home and the villagers. What would they think if they knew he was willing to die for a woman?
He twisted off the cap and poured out a dozen white tablets. Without any water, he swallowed them dry.
The pills were bitter, dissolving in his mouth, the taste spreading deep into his heart. Xiao Pan lay on the bed, closing his eyes and waiting. However, after ten minutes, he was still wide awake.
"Why isn't it working yet?" He sat up and poured out a few more pills. "I'll take a few more." This time he swallowed nearly ten pills, feeling a slight discomfort in his stomach and a bit dizzy in his head.
"That's more like it." Xiao Pan lay back down. "I'll be free soon." But as he lay there, his mind began to wander.
He recalled the night he first kissed Li Xiaoling, remembering how she had taught him to be a mature man. He thought of her words: "Panzi, remember, a man cannot be weak; he must take responsibility."
"Take responsibility?" Xiao Pan suddenly opened his eyes. "She played with me for a year, and I’m just going to die like this? Isn’t that too easy for her?" The effects of the drugs began to kick in; his head felt heavy, but the anger in his heart grew stronger.
"Why does she get to treat me like this?" He struggled to sit up. "Why can she just break up with me whenever she wants?"
He thought of Li Xiaoling's disdainful expression from earlier, the hurtful words she had said, and the contempt in her eyes. "I gave her my youth and my sincerity, and she calls me a child?"
"She says that man has a car and a house, so I don't deserve to love her?" The more he thought about it, the angrier he became; it felt as if a fire was burning in his chest.
He remembered how humble he had been when he first arrived in Shijiazhuang. Living in that rundown place, working from dawn till dusk for just a few hundred yuan a month. But with Li Xiaoling, everything seemed to have meaning.
"I didn't even go home for her!" Xiao Pan hit his head hard with his hand. "During the New Year, my mom called me to come back, and I said I was busy. The truth is, I just couldn't bear to leave her!"
He recalled last winter when Li Xiaoling fell ill; he had stayed by her side all night, cooking porridge for her and buying her medicine. Back then, she had said, "Panzi, you're so good; I didn't love you for nothing."
Xiao Pan sneered. "So caring for me was just for fun!" The effects of the drugs intensified; he felt the world spinning around him.
He swayed as he stood up and walked to the mirror to look at himself. The reflection in the glass showed a pale face with vacant eyes.
"I can't die like this," Xiao Pan said to the mirror. "I want her to know that I'm not someone she can just toss aside!"
He recalled a saying often spoken by the village elders: "Good people are easily bullied, and gentle horses are easily ridden."
"I'm just too kind!" Xiao Pan slammed his fist against the wall. "Does she think I can only cry and beg her? I'll show her that I have a temper too!"
The room was silent except for Xiao Pan's heavy breathing. The effects of the medication had muddled his thoughts, but one idea stood out with startling clarity: it wasn't about his death; it was about making her pay the price.
"Doesn't she look down on me?"
Xiao Pan's voice turned ominous. "Then I'll let her know that provoking an honest person is more terrifying than anything else!"
He staggered toward the door, pausing with his hand on the doorknob. With this push of the door, there would be no turning back.
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