I returned to my hometown in Jiangbei Province after a 14-year absence.
I had imagined this reunion countless times in my mind: we would embrace and cry, and they would say they knew they were wrong! I would also set aside past grievances, wanting to bring a bit of beauty and completeness to the lives of my parents who raised me.
Wiping away the tears that welled in the corners of my eyes, I parked my newly bought Maybach in the empty lot at the village entrance. I called over a group of curious children—imagining that among them was a nephew I had never met—to help me carry the large and small bags into the house, rewarding them with delicious chocolates.
The Pomegranate Tree and Walnut Tree from my childhood still stood, though their fruits were riddled with wormholes. The old house remained as it was, with peeling walls and a roof weighed down by bricks and stones holding down several pieces of waterproof tarpaulin. Against the backdrop of neighboring concrete buildings, it exuded an air of decay and decline.
The main room had been freshly plastered, with a new ceiling installed and a few new pieces of furniture arranged, making it look somewhat clean.
"Where have you been all these years?" My mother, who had been playing mahjong at someone else's house, was brought back by the eager children. After more than ten years apart, she had gained weight, and the corners of her eyes drooped even more.
"I..."
"What do you mean 'I'? It's been over ten years! You haven't sent a single penny home! A girl like you has been wandering around outside without even a word! Do you know how much your silence weighs? Are you trying to drive your mother crazy?"
"I..."
"What do you mean 'I'? Your brother is already thirty and still single! If it weren't for you, your mother would have grandchildren in high school by now! If the Old Jiang Family's lineage ends here, you'll be the sinner!"
My mother's tirade was just as fierce as it had ever been.
Everything stemmed from my brother. From the age of seven or eight, he would sneak things home from outside—shoes and socks left out to dry, iron shovels and aluminum spoons left in the yard...
"Look how devoted your brother is!" My mother praised him while not forgetting to slap me or kick me as well.
I was in fifth grade while my brother was in his third year of junior high. I took the entrance exam for high school while he took it again... and again... and again.
I got into County No. 1 High School while my brother failed once more. Seeing that he wasn't cut out for studying, our family decided to find him a wife so he could settle down. I was in my second year of high school when my family ordered me to drop out.
It all started because of my brother and the "Butterfly Effect." After leaving school, he took up a side job with an electric bike, which eventually led him to receive a half-year rental of a single room from Uncle Hat, along with a hefty fine. His reputation was completely ruined in the surrounding villages.
Finding a wife became a major challenge! To secure the future of the Jiang family's three generations of only sons, my parents went into debt and moved to the county town. Most girls my age in the village had gone south to work in electronics factories to support their families, while I still needed to help pay for my tuition and living expenses.
The teachers visited our home, assuring my parents that I would have a bright future through education! But to them, that was just a dream they couldn't wait for. I stood my ground, but they pressed harder!
They arranged matches for me: the village chief's son, a clumsy brute eight years older than me, and the village tycoon's son, a foolish lad nine years my senior... In the end, it would all come down to the bride price they offered!
They even encouraged "rich second-generation" and "official second-generation" kids to block me on the road, barging into campus and shouting that I was their wife. I had no choice but to drop out of school.
The clumsy brute and the foolish lad took turns coming to my house; whenever they did, my family would hide away, creating opportunities for them to "conquer" me! My heart felt dead.
I tried various methods to extinguish both my body and soul. After enduring numbness, prickling sensations, pressure, blows, spasms, pain, difficulty breathing, high blood pressure, arrhythmia, and ventricular fibrillation among many other agonies, I would wake up from unconsciousness again.
Damn that circuit breaker! So I decided on double insurance. I swallowed half a month's worth of sleeping pills and used a utility knife to cut open my wrist. The internet said water could speed up blood loss, so I chose to sit in the bathtub.
Water spilled over the tub and soaked the floor, flowing out into the hallway through the door crack, alarming the property management and bringing in the police... Unfortunately, I woke up again in the hospital's emergency room.
I even tried to blow up the gas line or cause a car accident... but worried about innocent neighbors or strangers being caught in my misfortune. Living was hard; dying wasn't easy either!
In the end, I chose to go south.
No matter how things turned out, I swore I would never return.
Years have passed, and my Population Information remains normal. Even if they report me as "missing," I know they have looked for me and cared about me!
But they didn't.
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